


This Will Hurt When It's Over

by winglesswarrior



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Death, Heartbreak, M/M, dying, last chances, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 09:44:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4955569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winglesswarrior/pseuds/winglesswarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing Liam wanted was Louis to show up and waltz his way back into his life. He'd moved on, but for some reason, Louis didn't get the hint. Louis showed up with a list and a plan and Liam just hoped he didn't get hurt again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Will Hurt When It's Over

**Author's Note:**

> It started as a dare. "I think you could write something sad." 
> 
> It's a terribly sad fic, don't read it if the tags have any triggers in them. I know I got teared up writing it more than once.
> 
> All the love to my betas, Q and drfitingdoll and heather because she swooped in when I made them cry. 
> 
> There is a playlist (of course there is) and it's sad too, but I love it. [ Click shuffle and enjoy](https://open.spotify.com/user/winglesswarrior/playlist/3xL5dY1wAJxj6xxOkWBG4h)

Liam left another meeting, tugging at his tie and heading for his office, not able to miss the way his assistant was smirking at him when he passed her desk. “Should I know something?” he asked first and she shook her head, but the smirk remained. Liam wasn’t sure he trusted that but he did trust Carolyn not to lead him astray so maybe she had something nice planned for lunch. It was around that time anyway. 

He pushed open the door to his office and stopped with it halfway there, watching his chair spin in a neat circle before slowing to stop, occupied by someone who was grinning at him. “Liam!” 

Liam frowned hard, feeling his brow crease across his forehead and checked the hall, the nameplate outside the door, then looked back in the room again. Louis was still there grinning at him, arms crossed on the desk, much lower than the chair normally sat, which meant the little twat had fucked with his settings on the chair which Liam had set to perfect. Still grinning, but this time with one eyebrow raised. “Louis?” 

“He remembers!” Louis bounced up, hair not moving despite the messy style that looked like he’d slept in it. He was in a denim jacket that had to have been left over from when Liam had last seen him five years ago, and a loose fitting t-shirt. The tight pants were there too, cuffed to show off his ankles and it would seem even though they’d convinced him years ago to start wearing socks, he’d forgone them again. 

“How could I forget,” Liam said rather than asked, because it was true. There was no forgetting Louis Tomlinson, no matter how hard Liam had tried. His therapist had laughed at him when he’d shown up with printed out research on regression hypnosis to erase the memories, thrown all of it in the bin and made him talk about Louis for an hour. After the third session of just talking about Louis she’d concluded that Liam wasn’t any different than any other heartbroken fool (his word, not hers) and he didn’t need therapy. He needed a good cry and some ice cream. 

Harry had provided a shoulder for the crying and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and Liam had decisively moved on. He’d done other things with his life. Things in the office that Louis was currently occupying, which had Liam thinking of things that were incredibly not work related, or even safe for work given their level of violence, but there nonetheless. He needed to get Louis out of the office and out of his life before it went back to that spiraled mess. (Harry had called his spiraled mess a neat mess, one where it was limited to one corner of the couch and always always cleaned up by morning. He’d been pretty adamant that it didn’t count as proper grieving, but it had worked for Liam.) 

“Valid point. I am pretty damn unforgettable.” Louis perched himself on the edge of Liam’s desk waiting while Liam set down his folders. He considered sitting in his chair, but he knew it was set wrong and he didn’t want to mess with it now that Louis was here. It had taken long enough to get it right the first time. And knowing Louis, it was missing an important screw that kept it from leaning back too far or something equally awful. Liam was not about to be pranked in his own office. He’d make Niall come up from IT and fix it for him. Niall would just laugh if someone had set him up and he fell out of the chair. Liam put his hands on the back of it instead.

“What are you doing here?” Liam asked instead, tone easily conveying the _it’s been five years_ with minimal effort. He knew that Louis still existed. He knew Louis was still around. Harry talked to him sometimes and Zayn, whom Liam talked to like clockwork, still kept a room in his flat for Louis even if it was only occupied every so often when he was in town on business. 

“Taking you to lunch.” Louis smiled, grin bright, eyes bright, age barely there. There were dark circles lingering under his eyes, but they weren’t anymore than Liam guessed he had, or any of the others now that they were grown and had real jobs. Liam hadn’t heard Louis was in London, so odds were he’d just flown in recently and Liam couldn’t imagine how anyone could sleep on a plane. 

“I have plans,” Liam said, pulling out his phone to check his calendar. He knew he had to have something. He always had something. “Meetings and such. Sorry about that.” 

“You don’t,” Louis stated simply. 

“I do.” He had a day full of meetings. He knew that. Maybe he had half an hour for lunch, but that was a maybe. 

“You don’t. I talked to Carolyn already. Lovely girl, I’ve no idea why she puts up with you. I even asked if she was interested in you, but she laughed that off. She helped me cancel all your meetings. You have lunch with me and the rest of the day free.” 

“Louis, you can’t do that,” Liam said, reaching for his phone to call Carolyn to fix the meetings, but Louis put his hand on the receiver before Liam could pick it up. 

“Did you know you haven’t taken a day off since last June?” Louis asked, casually putting his entire body weight on the phone and making it impossible for Liam to call his assistant. 

“I hardly think that matters, I’m busy. They need me here, not at my house doing nothing for a week.” 

“You never did master the art of doing nothing,” Louis mused and Liam moved back around the desk to head for the door. He’d just talk to Carolyn directly. 

“They might need you here, but you’re not good to them dead,” Louis added.

There was something in his tone, something different, harsher, that gave Liam a moment of pause. It was gone in a twinkling smile though and Louis took the pause as a chance to get his arm around Liam’s pulling him through the door and past Carolyn again. “Hold his calls, dear,” he said to her. “He’s off to lunch with his best friend. He’ll be back tomorrow.” 

“I’ll be back in an hour,” Liam told Carolyn, who made a face like she couldn’t hear him, but Liam knew she was lying. “What have you done to my wonderful assistant?” 

“I turned her from the dark side to the light. It’s a Jedi thing. Now come on,” Louis said pushing the button to go down once they were at the lifts. “It’s time for you to learn too.” 

\--------

The cafe was artsy and a further walk from the office than Liam would have liked, but Louis had bounced along his side, talking about the people that passed them, commenting on the annoying fit of suits and dresses, wondering how anyone was comfortable like that. Louis liked a good suit himself apparently, but never with the tie. He looked over at Liam once while they waited on a crosswalk and tugged at Liam’s tie, loosening it for him before smiling again. By the time they were seated and Liam had a menu in his hand, he wasn’t hungry and he was getting a migraine. 

“Seriously Louis, what do you want? I’ve got work and meetings to get back to and I haven’t got time to fool around like this.” 

For a moment, just a moment, Louis looked hurt then he set his menu down and shook his head. “I wanted to have lunch with my best friend.” 

“I haven’t been your best friend in years. Not since you fucked off to America after Uni.” Liam wasn’t surprised at the way Louis flinched when he swore because Liam still never did it, but there were only so many times he could hear Harry say it before he started to think of it that way too. Louis had left. 

“I didn’t fuck off, I went for a job, just like you came to this one here.” Louis waved Liam away like it was nothing then went back to looking at the menu. 

“You didn’t call. You didn’t…” Liam trailed off, the words getting choked in his throat Louis’ eyes peeked out over the top of his menu, watching Liam carefully, waiting on him to finish that statement. Liam couldn’t though. He couldn’t admit that all he’d ever wanted was for Louis to take him along, to ask Liam to leave everything behind for Los Angles and a possible recording studio. The hope of a label someday, even if they had to wait tables and give surfing lessons to tourists for years to make it happen. “Don’t you have a job there you have to get back to?” 

Louis shrugged. “Funny thing about that. Place doesn’t actually need me to run. Much like yours doesn’t. So I’m taking some time off.” He hummed as he looked over the menu, like that was nothing. 

“Taking time off?” 

Louis nodded again, then smiled when the waitress came over, ordering too much food and a bottle of wine. Liam hadn’t even had a chance to order something and the girl was gone, his menu with her, before he could speak. “How much time off? When are you leaving?” Louis always left. Liam felt like if he knew how long he had him for it was easier to plan for the end.. 

“A couple of months,” Louis said before sipping at his water, though Liam had to wonder if he was hiding something. He had that look like he might be hiding something. 

“How can you take a couple of months off?” Liam demanded and Louis didn’t look at him. 

“Just can. Like I said, they don’t need me. They’ll be fine.” He looked at Liam and grinned. “You should take time off with me.” 

“No.” Liam didn’t even have to think about it. He was panicking enough at the idea of Louis being in town for months and not being able to avoid him. Already that smile, that face, they were getting him in trouble because he _wanted_ to say yes. He wanted to drag Louis back to his flat and show him how great it was, why Louis should stay, then take him to bed the same way he had right after graduation. This was stupid. He was supposed to be over Louis. He’d decided he was. “No.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because we aren’t friends anymore. Because you _left_. Because I have work and a life and I can’t just leave it to run off with you.” Liam kept his tone firm and forced himself not to think of what running off with Louis would be like. He didn’t want to wonder if it would be as exciting as it had seemed when they were younger. He wasn’t going to do this. He got up from the table, ready to go back to work. 

“What life?” Louis asked, not getting up, not raising his voice. He didn’t even look hurt by what Liam had said, just curious. “You’re single, you work fifty or sixty hours a week. You make loads of money, but even your admin says you never call your mum or spend your money on anything other than the takeaway that you have sent to your flat. Zayn says you don’t even have a dog anymore, that you let the last girlfriend take it with her.” 

Liam didn’t want that to be true, but it was, so very true. He’d thrown himself into work, moved up quickly and hadn’t made time for anything else. His last girlfriend had left him because he worked too hard, but he’d been ready to let her go the moment he realized he couldn’t fall in love with her. Just like all the others. “It’s all I have, Louis.” 

“Bullshit. Sit down. Eat lunch. Then we’re going for a walk and you can show me your flat. We’ll get you in some normal clothes and go to the pub tonight.” 

“Louis….” 

“No. I’m not taking no for an answer. You’ve thrown enough of your life away, Liam. I’m putting an end to that.” 

Liam sunk into the chair in front of him, not sure how else to respond. He should be able to hold his ground and say no, but apparently he still couldn’t say no. “That’s better,” Louis said, reaching across the table to pat his shoulder when the food arrived. “Come on. Eat up.” 

\---------

The last thing Liam wanted was Louis sitting on his bed, bouncing on it, but there he was. It was a stark contrast to a few hours before when he’d thought about dragging Louis in here, but now his former friend had made him so nervous by just being there, hooking up with him seemed a distant possibility. “Something normal, Liam. No designer labels; put that button down back.” Liam looked over his shoulder where Louis was digging in his nightstand drawer, not even looking at him, but Liam was definitely holding a blue button down that he put back in the closet. 

“Get out of there,” he said, watching Louis’ eyes light up at something he found. 

“Still expecting some?” Louis asked, holding up a strip of condoms. “Oh wait..these might be expired.” 

“They’re not. Will you get out of there?” Liam added, grabbing a gray t-shirt and heading back to Louis to take the condoms back and tuck them in the drawer. He felt like Luke Skywalker trying to keep Yoda out of his things. 

“At least I know you’re still getting laid,” Louis said, leaning back on the bed. 

“Well,” Liam said, then shook his head. Not much. Not like he should, but he didn’t really have time for dating and he’d never been great at casual sex. It certainly wasn’t something he was going to talk to Louis about. 

“What does ‘well’ and that shrug mean? Does it mean you aren’t getting any?” Louis looked appalled, but Liam just rolled his eyes and changed his shirt. 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“It does! What a waste.” Louis shook his head, staring at Liam torso which just made Liam yank his shirt down faster. 

“It’s not your business.” 

Louis shrugged like that hardly mattered and Liam knew it didn’t. Plus, it wasn’t like it had ever been a secret before. Not until after Louis left. “Can we go yet?” Liam asked instead, holding his arms out, waiting on Louis’ approval of his outfit. Louis studied him for a moment, as if really evaluating what Liam was wearing before he nodded, bouncing up off the bed. 

“Come on then,” he said dragging Liam by a grip on the hem of his shirt. “Can’t keep everyone waiting.” 

“Who is everyone?” Liam asked, but just like he expected, he didn’t get an answer. 

\------

It turned out everyone was all their friends, Zayn, Louis’ friend from childhood that he’d met at summer camp when they were kids, Harry, Liam’s first year Uni roommate that he’d bonded with instantly, and Niall from IT that had apparently been invited by Harry and was now looking at Harry like he hung the moon. Liam wasn’t sure when his best friend had met the Irishman from IT, but apparently they’d gone from not knowing each other to something far more friendly. Liam wondered what else he’d missed. 

Zayn and Louis had their heads pressed together, the way they always had when they were plotting something. It was Louis and Liam that had brought the foursome together after a chance run-in that actually involved Liam running into Louis, and had resulted in Liam covered in his tea and Louis swearing at him. Liam had never figured out what it was the bright ray of personality saw in him, but the admiration was mutual. They’d been joined at the hip from that point on and their friends fell into the same groove. It only made sense now that Niall, Liam’s only friend he saw regularly though usually because he had a tendency to break his computer, fit in perfectly with them. 

“So you just up and left your job in L.A. to come hang out here?” Niall asked. 

“I took a leave,” Louis explained, smirking at Liam, though Liam was sure it was to distract him from the way Zayn’s hand flexed on his drink. “I usually do some work here though, so there were a few meetings and such, artists that needed to be coddled before I could really take my time off, but it’s worked out nicely that it aligns with Liam’s.” 

“Liam’s what?” Harry asked, raising an eyebrow at Liam who shrugged. 

“Your vacation!” Louis explained, smacking the table. “We talked about this.”

“No,” Liam said, shaking his head and pushing away the beer he’d been nursing until it got warm. “You talked about it and I said no.” 

“It’s not like you don’t have vacation days stored up,” Harry suggested gently. “You’ve not taken a day off in ages.” 

“Since last June,” Louis supplied. “And apparently that was because he was deathly ill and Carolyn sent him home without a laptop to do work.” 

“He had his laptop but she made me block his log-in,” Niall supplied. 

“Please tell me you got her something glorious on Admin Day and her birthday,” Louis asked Liam and Harry snorted. 

“I remembered for him, brought her a cake and flowers and took her to lunch.” 

“That was why you took her to lunch? I thought you two were dating.” Liam gaped at Harry, unable to shake the confused face. Harry just patted his shoulder. 

“I talked to her about your vacation time, and she said she cleared up your schedule, but for one day of work tomorrow. After that you’re all mine until you run out of vacation time,” Louis said with a grin.

“That could be two years,” Niall mumbled and Liam watched Zayn’s hand tighten again. Louis was there though, fingers tapping against Zayn’s forearm and it was enough to release the tension in his hand. 

Liam had always wondered about them, how the quiet bookworm artist had befriended the carefree, too-loud actor wannabe. It was no surprise that Louis just pulled people into his orbit and made them want to stay there, but Zayn and Louis understood each other in a way Liam didn’t. He and Zayn were close, but while their silences were companionable, they didn’t communicate in them the way Louis and Zayn did. Liam supposed it was how he and Harry were, able to talk more in half glances and touches, but Liam had thought, when Louis left and it was just Liam and their two friends, he would take that place in Zayn’s life. He was only realizing now that while he could pick up the subtle movements that denoted Zayn’s mood, he couldn’t sort out what they meant. 

He’d thought he’d have more time. He’d thought Louis would never come back. 

“I can’t take time off work,” he said suddenly getting up and pushing away from the table. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t sit there and look at the those blue eyes that had meant everything in the entire world to him and not fall back into it. And he couldn’t let himself fall back into it. “I can’t do this,” Liam added before walking away, heading out of the pub. 

No one followed him. But then again, he wasn’t ever the one that left. 

\----------

Liam imagined that he shouldn’t at all be surprised when Zayn showed up in his office the next day. Carolyn let him in, smiling at Liam and taking the stack of paperwork she’d left on his desk for him to go over. She’d not explicitly said she’d canceled all his meetings, but there was a clear lack of them on his calendar for the day and the rest of the week. Zayn didn’t sit in the chair Liam offered, resting his hands on the back of it instead, leaning over it like he needed it to help him stay upright. 

“You should take the time off with him.” No small talk, no build up, just the statement. Liam wasn’t really that surprised, Zayn wasn’t one for small talk, but he’d hoped he could take some time to prepare an argument. 

“I can’t.” 

“You can. You should.” Zayn paused, looking at the chair instead of Liam. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.” 

 

“I do nothing but regret things about Louis. This wouldn’t be anything new.” 

Zayn shook his head and looked up at Liam again. “This is different. He’s different. He’s here for you.” 

“Lies. He’s here for you, for his family. For Harry. He wouldn’t come back for me.” 

“What makes you say that?” Zayn asked, moving around and dropping into the chair, as if he was settling in for the long haul. The last thing that Liam needed was a Zayn filibuster on why he should give Louis a second chance, but he knew his friend. Zayn was as stubborn as the rest of them despite seeming so aloof and distant from everything.

“Because he left me. I told him I loved him, I wanted nothing in the world more than him and he left. That’s reason enough.” 

“There’s nothing in that about why he’d not come back for you. He told you he loved you too, didn’t he?” 

Liam went quiet, fiddling with a pen on his desk. Louis had said it back that night, drunk and celebrating graduation. Liam had poured his heart out at his best friend and Louis had laughed, caught Liam’s cheeks in his hands and kissed him hard. He’d said he’d been waiting ages for him to realize it. To admit to it. That he’d loved Liam since the moment he saw him. 

Three days later, Louis had gotten on a plane for California with no warning whatsoever. 

“Liam,” Zayn said, filling the silence that Liam had left between them. “Do it. Even if just for a few days, hear him out, spend some time with him. Try to fix what’s broken between you two. It’s all he wants.” He got up and left, giving up the sit-in. Liam knew he’d had it wrong though. It was Harry that put up protest by staying close until Liam changed his mind. Zayn just told him how it was, didn’t give him another option, then left Liam on his own to decide. 

He waited ten minutes before calling Carolyn in to go over his schedule, to find the time, but he knew the moment Zayn had said it. Just like always, he’d never been able to resist. 

\--------

Louis was there in time for breakfast the next day, a bag held up in front of him smelling of bacon and a takeaway cup of tea. “Brought you a sandwich.” 

“I was making a smoothie,” Liam said moving back to his kitchen and letting Louis sort himself out at the door. 

“Now you can have both?” Louis called from the foyer before peering into the kitchen with his bag still in hand, shoes off but still wearing his jacket. Liam wasn’t even sure why he was wearing it given how nice it was out, but Louis had always run cold and loved the way a jacket completed his outfit. Maybe that was it. “Here.” He set the bag down on the counter next to the fruit that Liam had cut up, stole a strawberry and pushed himself up onto the kitchen island. “I made a list.” He dug a folded piece of paper out of his pocket to show Liam. 

“A list of what?”

“A list of what I want to do while we’re on sabbatical.” 

“You never make lists.” Liam moved the sandwich away from his shake, focusing on it instead of the delicious smelling breakfast sandwich. 

“I make lists all the time.” 

“Name one.” 

“This one! List of things I want to do with Liam.” Louis shook the piece of paper and Liam sighed waving for him to carry on. “Alright first off, Natural History Museum-” 

“You hate museums,” Liam said, turning to look back at Louis. 

“I never said that.” 

“You did. I heard you.” 

“Then I’ve changed.” 

Liam stopped putting the right proportions of things in the blender and turned to look at Louis. “Changed?” He’d never heard Louis Tomlinson not fight for whatever he believed, even when his version of the truth was skewed. He’d never heard Louis Tomlinson admit to changing. He’d never heard him admit to having room to change. 

“Changed.” Louis gave Liam a look, then gestured to the abandoned sandwich. “Aren’t you going to eat that? I brought it for you.” 

“We don’t all have the metabolism of a twenty-two year old. What do you mean changed? How?” 

“I just have. And you can eat whatever you want, you run for miles to work it off.” Louis waved at him, and Liam shook his head. 

“You eat it.” He smacked the cover down on the blender and hit the button to make it whirr, pleased that the noise put a halt in the conversation. When he stopped it, Louis was looking at the bag, but he hadn’t moved from his spot on the counter. “I’m not bringing it to you,” Liam said, pouring the smoothie into a glass, and at the last second pouring a third of it into a second glass, grabbing a straw and handing it to Louis. Louis eyed the glass before taking it, forgetting the sandwich and sipping at the drink. 

“What else is on the list?” Liam asked after a moment of silence, realizing that was what he was supposed to ask. 

“The museum,” Louis said, with a smirk, setting down the glass and reading off his list again. It was a tattered piece of paper, folded over a few times and clearly having been tucked into a pocket. “See a show at a crappy bar and O2.” 

“Not the same show I hope.” 

“No, clearly not. Though Harry’s claimed the crappy bar. But you’ll have to come with. I’m not going to see one of his weird friends play without some sort of moral support.” 

Liam chuckled but nodded, waiting for Louis to keep going. 

“A football match, a trip on the London Eye, dinner on a patio with live music…” 

“How much is on this list?” Liam asked, leaning forward to see it but Louis jerked it back, pressing the list against his chest. 

“You can’t peek.” 

“You were just reading it to me.” 

“Not everything.” 

Liam made a face, but he didn’t fight it. “So where do we start?” 

\------

The Louis that led Liam through their second museum was different than anyone Liam had ever met. He had the map of the art museum clutched in one hand and his jacket was still on despite the warm weather and all the walking they’d done. The Natural History museum they’d been to first had been more interesting than the Tate. Liam understood dinosaur bones and stuffed animals, but the modern art was giving him a small headache. 

Louis stopped them in front of another sculpture made out of what looked like trash and Liam wondered for the millionth time why Louis had brought him and not Zayn. His phone buzzed with another email for work and he pulled it out, flipping through it and getting ready to reply when Louis shoved his hand in front of the screen. 

“What are you doing?” 

Liam looked around like Louis might be asking someone else, because he was pretty sure what he was doing was obvious. There wasn’t anyone else around so he raised an eyebrow at Louis. “Answering an email from work.” 

“Why?” 

“Because someone had a question and I have an answer,” Liam said, pulling his hand away from Louis, but Louis was quick and snatched his wrist. 

“No. You said no work.” He paused, his voice shifting to petulant. “You’re missing it.” 

“You don’t even know what it is,” Liam said, pointing towards the statue and trying to get his phone and hand back. “And I said I’d take some time off work. Not no work.” 

“Taking time off work is no work! You can’t actually think it counts if you’re answering emails and keep your face shoved in your phone. You’re missing the…” Louis waved at the art and Liam kept his eyebrow raised. 

“The what?” 

Louis clearly struggled for an answer, then reached for Liam’s phone. “The culture, Payno. Culture.” 

“You’ve got no idea what it’s supposed to be.” 

“Not the foggiest. Gimme that.” Louis managed to squeeze Liam’s wrist the right way to get him to drop the phone, right into Louis’ waiting hand. Louis grinned in triumph before putting the phone in his pocket. “You want it so bad, come and get it,” he said with a waggle of his eyebrows. 

“Louis.” Liam didn’t even think about the tone or how it was so familiar, but Louis caught it, face a cloud of emotions that Liam couldn’t pinpoint, before he moved away deeper into the museum with Liam’s phone in his pocket. Liam didn’t know what else to do but follow him. 

\-----

After they finished up at the Tate, Liam headed down the front steps and towards the car park he’d left his car in, not realizing until he was halfway down that Louis wasn’t with him. He frowned, squinting at his friend before climbing back up and motioning over his shoulder towards the car. “We’re over here,” he said, gently reminding Louis, worried he’d forgotten, but Louis shook his head. 

“I’m waiting here for Zayn. He said he’d come get me.” Louis smiled when he said it, reaching for Liam’s arm and squeezing it. “This was fun though.” 

Liam moved up the last two steps to go back to being taller than Louis, looking down at him curiously. “I could have taken you back there,” he said, not wanting to ask why Louis was so determined for them to have this vacation, yet Louis was still bringing Zayn into it. 

Louis shook his head, brushing his fingers against Liam’s bicep and watching that instead. “You could have, but I wouldn’t have wanted you to take me anywhere but your flat.” 

“Then let me take you there,” Liam said, taking Louis’ hand and pulling him down two steps before Louis dug his heels in and stopped him. 

“Can’t, Liam. I can’t.” The sad little voice he used, that pained sound, it was enough for Liam to look back, still holding Louis’ hand. He wasn’t sure what he was seeing, but Louis looked sad. 

“What’s going on, Lou?” Liam asked softly, realizing something was going on, that this was more than one of Louis’ hairbrained schemes to get Liam to take a vacation. 

Louis shook his head and plastered on a smile. “Nothing. Nothing’s going on, just being cautious.” Liam felt his frown deepen, etching lines on his forehead. Louis Tomlinson was never cautious, but apparently Louis also caught the look on Liam’s face and laughed. “How well has rushing worked out for us so far, Liam?” 

“You got me to go on vacation.” 

“Not really. Not yet.” Louis stepped closer, hand tightening on Liam’s and his mouth opened to say something else, something Liam guessed was important when a car honked from the street. It was enough to break up the moment when Louis looked that way and Liam spotted a familiar car and Zayn behind the steering wheel. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Li,” Louis told him, squeezing his hand once more before hurrying down the stairs to Zayn’s ilding car. He waved from the window and Liam waved back, wondering what Louis had been going to say. It wasn’t until he was home and settling in to do more work did he realize that Louis still had his phone. 

\---------

Without his alarm on his phone to wake him, Liam wound up sleeping in until close to nine, which put him behind the schedule he wanted to be on for the morning. He tried to log into his laptop, but the log in had been changed which left him in a foul mood for his run, cursing Niall that way instead of via text like he wanted to. 

He cut the run short by two miles and forwent the smoothie for just tea and toast, something he normally didn’t give into but he was cranky despite all the sleep he’d gotten. His mood didn’t improve when Louis let himself into Liam’s flat when Liam was halfway through his tea. 

“Who is Elaine?” Louis called from the foyer, and Liam went that way, arms crossed, glaring at him. 

“Don’t even knock now?” 

“Zayn gave me his emergency key,” Louis explained, holding it up and Liam could see the Lego Iron Man keychain he’d put on it so Zayn could tell which key was Liam’s. “He said it was better than me waiting outside if you were out for a run or in the shower. He wouldn’t drop me off without it.” 

“That doesn’t explain not knocking.” 

“That doesn’t explain Elaine,” Louis countered, rolling his eyes and waving Liam off as if that was that. 

“She’s a co-worker.” 

“If she’s a co-worker, you should talk to HR about her. She’s a bit forward.” 

“We’ve gone out once or twice,” Liam admitted, holding his hand out for his phone but Louis just handed him his jacket instead. He was still in long-sleeves under it, which was fine but still odd. It was warm, spring finally starting in London. 

“She wants to make it more. Why haven’t you taken advantage of that?” Louis opened Liam’s cabinets, turning on his kettle and finding a mug for tea. 

“Because I don’t want to.” Liam couldn’t say why, not while the reason he continued to fail at dating was pawing through his tea box for something he liked instead of Liam’s usual brands. 

“I didn’t think you did. Which was why I let her know she doesn’t need to keep sending you photos like that.” 

“You did what?” Liam’s brain shorted out, then clicked in again. “Photos like what?” 

“Not very clothed. She seemed embarrassed, but at least she stopped messaging you.” 

 

“Louis, give me back my phone.” 

“Can’t. It’s at Zayn’s. Soz.” Louis found the teabag he wanted, dropping it into the mug.

“Louis.” The same tone as before, but this time instead of the emotions that Liam couldn’t define, Louis just grinned wickedly. 

“It’s good for you,” he said, then tapped his fingers on the counter more. “So today, there’s a bunch of food trucks parking in the park and I want to go by there, then I’ve booked us tickets for the London Eye this evening. I figure we can fill the time at the park and such.” The kettle went off and Louis made up his tea and Liam already had the milk out and on the counter before he realized he’d done it. 

“And in there we’ll stop and get my phone?” Liam added, nodding when Louis smiled for the milk. 

“You don’t need it. Zayn and Harry know you don’t have it and I already talked to your mum last night.” 

“You _talked to my mum_?” Liam didn’t like the sound of that, especially when his mother asked him regularly about Louis, like Louis was still part of his life when he hadn’t seen him in five years. She’d always missed him, thinking that Liam should do something to get him back even though Liam had put all the blame squarely in Louis’ court. 

“Of course. She called, we chatted. She’s glad we’re spending time together again.” Louis smirked, but there was something else in his eyes, something sadder, but Liam didn’t let himself focus on that and groaned instead. 

“She’s going to be on my ass about you for the next few years now,” he grumbled and Louis just patted his arm. 

“You’ll be fine. Come on, let’s get going. We have an entire culinary cuisine in motored vehicles awaiting us.” 

\--------

Louis had brought a blanket in his backpack and picked out food at almost every truck out by the park. He’d found them a place to sit, spreading all the food out in front of them. With Cokes and a weird variety of food, they nibbled on everything. Eventually Louis had laid out on his back, eyes hidden behind a pair of aviators. “You would have loved California,” he said, turning his head towards Liam, but Liam couldn’t see where his eyes were looking. “Surfing, sunshine, perfect weather.” 

Liam felt his insides clenched and looked at the fish taco in front of him, forcing his shoulders to shrug though it wasn’t easy with how tight they were. “Wouldn’t know,” he said tersely. 

“Well, no, you’ve not been there, yet.” Louis smiled, but again, Liam couldn’t tell how genuine it was. It hurt though, the yet.

“Probably won’t ever. Don’t have a reason to go like I used to,” Liam added, his voice still sounded strained, and this time he didn’t fight it. He was hurting, thinking about going to California. He’d been determined to go when Louis went the first time; he’d even found some money and put off giving the job he was offered an answer, but Zayn had sat him down and told him gently to not go. 

Louis slid his glasses down his nose, looking up at Liam. “You don’t? You always wanted to.” 

“Not anymore, Lou.” How did Louis not understand? How did he not know? 

“What changed?” 

Liam looked away, off towards center of the park, where couples were walking and children were running about playing imaginary games. He’d hoped for that for them, Louis and Liam forever, and a small bundle of kids. A dog. He’d been a stupid kid, university degree in his hand and the man he loved at his side. He’d wanted all of it until Louis left. “I almost went, once. Just after you left. I saved my money up, was ready to buy a ticket. Zayn told me not to.” 

He dared to look at Louis then, spotting something in those blue eyes that kept them from being as clear as they usually were. “He said I should spend my money on something else, go somewhere else. Rome, Greece, Ibiza. But not California. There wasn’t anything waiting for me there.” 

A twitch of something went across Louis’ features and pushed his sunglasses over his eyes and laid back on the blanket again, looking at the sky. “Zayn was wrong. There was always something waiting for you. You should still go.” There was a long pause, something heavy with words that weren’t spoken. “You should have come then, too.” 

\----------

Liam watched Louis from his spot on the Eye, sitting on the bench in the middle of the pod, not as willing to lean on the railing around the glass wall like Louis did. It wasn’t that he was afraid of heights, no, it was more the rational fear of falling and the mix of Louis so close to being so far from the ground had Liam afraid of more than one type of falling. 

Louis was clearly different from the way he’d been when they were younger. Long gone were the bright trousers and perfectly swooped hair. His shoulders drew up in a way they never had before, lines of them jutting underneath the shirt he had on. What was crazier was the way he was taking in the world below, the world they knew so well, with nothing but wonder. Liam used to dream of moments like this, Louis and him exploring the world together as the sun dipped low in the horizon. Though back then he was always closer to Louis. He wasn’t afraid of Louis like he was now. Back then he’d only been enamored and in love and everything Louis did or said was brilliant. 

When they’d met, he changed Liam’s life. Liam had been caught in his own little world, so focused on school and doing better, he didn’t have time for the life that was passing him by. Louis meanwhile, didn’t have time for the things that might slow him down. Liam had Harry, but Harry hadn’t ever needed all of his attention, not like Louis demanded. After the first six months of being Louis’ friend, Liam realized he was so much more than Harry’s quiet friend. He was Louis Tomlinson’s best friend and his entire world shifted to make room for that. 

Now Liam had his friends, but he hadn’t had Louis for years. Not until he’d shown up and demanded his place back. Liam hated to admit it, but he’d given it. Louis was there, just a few feet away, and Liam had dropped everything for him. He sighed to himself and buried his face in his hands, wondering just what the hell he’d done, how he’d let Louis just invade his space like that and hadn’t thrown up a single wall against it. Louis had broken his heart and deserved Liam yelling at him, not giving him a second chance without a thought to it. He stayed hidden until someone sat with him, pressed close enough that their shoulders and thighs were touching. Liam knew it was Louis before he spoke. 

“Liam.” Louis’ whisper was quiet, just at Liam’s ear. “You’re missing it.” 

Liam pulled his hands away to look at Louis, bright eyes glinting in the setting sun. “I can’t do this, Lou,” he said, not at all what he meant to say, but it was what came out. 

Louis’ smirk faltered, his eyes going cloudy for a moment before he nodded. “I didn’t think you could. I was getting ahead of myself.” 

That was a first, Louis understanding him, realizing that sometimes he went full tilt and Liam couldn’t keep up with him. He’d never seen that before. Normally, Louis just yelled louder for Liam to hurry up. “You didn’t?” 

Louis shook his head then rested it against Liam’s shoulder. “I was asking for a lot, thinking you’d consider it.” 

“I did consider it. Louis, I took time off work.” What was there left to consider? He needed to go back to work. He didn’t need to get sucked into a world that was all bright blue eyes and hopes and dreams and lists of things to do together. 

“That wasn’t…” Louis’ eyes narrowed, staring at Liam hard before he got up and pulled at Liam’s arm. Liam had missed something, something important, but Louis was tugging and he couldn’t help but follow, the elastic pulled tight between them finally starting to ease with Louis closer. Like always, it kept Liam following after him, stumbling over his own feet until they were leaning on the railing, watching London dip out of light into a pink and yellow sunset. “You should see it,” Louis said, voice hushed, fingers curled around Liam’s wrist. 

Liam did as he was told, really taking in the city he only saw in flashes between work. He’d been on his adventure with Louis for just two days and already he’d realized the tube stop for his office was just two down from Hyde Park. He’d never once noticed that. Everything was close by and he had missed it all. Louis leaned into his arm, cheek pressed against Liam’s shoulder and Liam let himself breathe through it. Maybe, just for a little while, he could see it. 

\------

“Here,” Louis said at the base of the Eye, holding out Liam’s phone to him. 

“You had it the whole time,” Liam said, voice dark, forgetting the quiet moment they’d had as the sun dipped away. 

“Of course I did. You just didn’t need it. Think of how great your day was.” 

Liam sighed and took the phone, not answering that question, not admitting to it. He wasn’t about to fall into that trap of saying Louis was right, not out loud. He flipped through the phone instead, not at all surprised that Louis had hacked his passcode. Either he’d gotten it from Zayn or had figured out that it was the number of the flat he and Louis had lived in during Uni. There were messages from Niall and Harry, both checking in on his vacation and Louis, both with answers that must have been from Louis. The texts from Elaine Louis had mentioned were still there, along with the photos and there was a nice note from Carolyn telling him work was fine and they were surviving his holiday. Otherwise, there wasn’t much else. Louis was right, but just because he was smirking like he knew it, didn’t mean Liam was going to give him that satisfaction. 

Liam pocketed the phone then started them towards the tube station, but Louis stayed where he was. “Are you not coming?” he asked, and Louis shook his head. 

“Zayn’ll be here shortly,” he said, nodding towards the drop off area towards the front of the landmark. “Said he’d give me a ride back.” 

“Again? Louis, we can go back to my place and I can give you a lift,” he said, not at all sure what the hell was going on and why Louis kept getting picked up like some sort of sixth former without a driver’s license. 

Louis bit his lip, looking in the direction that Zayn’s car would be coming from before shaking his head. “It’s fine really. He wanted to help out.” 

“I just don’t see why you won’t let me-” Liam started, but Louis cut him off. 

“I already told you why.” 

 

“Because you’ll want to stay?” Liam didn’t understand that. Even if Louis did stay it didn’t mean that anything was going to happen. He didn’t think he could let himself do that anyway. He’d been heartbroken for too long and as tempting as it might be he couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

“That’s most of it,” Louis said, nodding towards the familiar car pulling up close. “He’s already here.”

Zayn stopped his car in front of them, leaning so he could see Liam and grinning at him. “Have fun today?” 

Liam shrugged before Louis pinched his side. “He had a great time,” Louis explained, then patted Liam’s arm. “Take the long way home, just this once. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Louis,” Liam said before Louis got in the car. His friend turned and looked at him, one eyebrow raised in question. Liam had a million questions, but they all died on his lips. He wanted to know what they were doing, demand answers, but at the same time he didn’t want to start a fight and put Louis coming by his place in the morning at risk. He wanted to see him again. After a moment he shook his head. “See you tomorrow.” 

Louis’ eyes glinted, as if he knew something else was going on in Liam’s head, but he didn’t say anything. He only nodded and got in the car with Zayn. Liam watched them drive off then turned back towards the tube station and his long way home. 

\------------

He didn’t intend to do as he was told but he missed his stop on the tube, too caught up in trying to figure out just why it was Louis wasn’t staying with him, or why he didn’t want to. There was space in the flat and, sure, his room at Zayn’s was probably more comfortable than the sterile guest room at Liam’s house, but didn’t it make sense if they were supposed to be spending so much time together? 

Did Louis want more? Did Louis even have a right to want more? Was Liam okay with that? He wasn’t at all sure, his heart torn between anger and want which just made him a little queasy. He forced himself to stop thinking about it and realized he was three stops past his and made himself walk the streets. 

His phone started ringing the moment he let himself into the flat, and he tucked it between his shoulder and his ear while he worked the key into the lock. “‘Allo?” 

“Liam?” His own mother sounded confused to hear his voice. 

“You did ring my number,” he said smiling as the lock clicked into place and the door opened. 

“I know love. It’s just that I called yesterday and talked to Louis. I thought I’d get him again.” 

Liam pulled a face, holding the phone properly now, not sure how he felt about that. “You called my mobile to talk to Louis?” 

“Well, he does answer, unlike someone else I know. And we had a nice chat. I have missed you bringing him ‘round like you used to. He always made you smile.” 

She was talking like they were still in university and Louis was coming by on breaks or having dinner with his parents when they came to visit and not like there had been years where the two of them didn’t talk because Louis had abandoned him. “I don’t know if it’s like that, Mum,” he said slowly, not wanting to get her hopes up that things would be fixed with them. 

“I know that, Darling. He said as much, but it was nice to catch up. He doesn’t seem like he’s changed a bit.” 

“You’d be surprised,” Liam said, wandering into his kitchen to find something to eat. 

“No, he’s the same really. You don’t think so?” 

“He stole my phone, Mum,” Liam scowled at the lack of food in his fridge and shut it, going for the cabinet instead. Nothing looked good after such a delicious lunch. 

“Which he said he did to get you off of it. You work too hard. You didn’t used to be like that, at least not since you met Louis.” Liam’s mother sounded wistful and nostalgic and it made Liam’s head hurt a little, though maybe that was just from being hungry. 

“Mum,” he said slowly. “We aren’t…” 

“I know,” Karen cut him off, sounding like she was forcing herself to be understanding. “I just think you were happy with him.” 

“For all of five minutes, Mum. Then he left.” Liam didn’t have to say that Louis had broken his heart. His mother knew. She’d been there to help pick up the pieces. 

“I know, Love, I know.” For as often as she was saying it, Liam didn’t feel like she did know. “But he seems to have come back for you. Why not give him a chance?” 

“He’s not letting me!” Liam said it before he could think it and louder than he meant to. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the fridge. “He’s trying, but every time we get close he puts walls up again. It’s like when we first met all over again.” 

Karen hummed on the other end of the line, like she was thinking that over. “Don’t you think that’s the case though?” 

Liam frowned, opening his eyes and trying to figure out what she meant by that. Was it the case? Were they starting over again? 

“You know I’m right,” Karen said after he’d been quiet for too long. “Let him start over. Let him in again.” 

“Mum,” Liam plead softly. It sounded like Zayn’s lecture and Liam still wasn’t sure where all of it was coming from. 

“Just trust me. Now go eat something real. I’ll talk to you soon, yeah?” 

Liam huffed a laugh and nodded. “Alright Mum, love you.” 

“Love you too, Darling. Give Lou my best.” He set the phone down when his mother rung off and ran his fingers through his hair. 

Did he have to give Louis another chance? Was it the best idea? Couldn’t he just get hurt all over again? He’d guarded himself since then, making sure no one got close enough to hurt him, but Louis, Louis was different. Louis was already under his skin without even trying. He was already there, cool fingers pressed against warm skin, secret smiles and bright blue eyes. Liam didn’t stand a chance. 

\------------

“This was Harry’s idea,” Louis said, pressed close to Liam in the dimly lit bar, waiting on Niall and Zayn to come back with their pints. Liam could already feel the stick of sweat against his back but Louis was still huddled in his jacket and half under Liam’s arm. He wasn’t sure how Louis could be cold or comfortable like that, but he didn’t fight it. He was getting better, wasn’t he? It had been two more days of outings, simple things that Louis was able to check off his list, but now they were a the dingy bar that Louis had wanted to see some band play at. 

“Who are we seeing?” Liam asked, leaning in close to Louis’ ear to be heard over the din of bar chatter. Louis looked surprised for a moment before his smile shifted into a wicked grin. 

“It’s a surprise.” 

Liam scowled, not liking that face, but Niall was back, handing out glasses with Zayn at his elbow. The only person missing was Harry and Liam pushed up on his toes a little to scan the crowd for their curly haired friend, just as the lights went down. He heard the first few beats of a song and scowled more, shaking his head as the lights came up on stage. “No, no, no,” he whined softly as Louis squeezed his side. 

“You didn’t mean this crappy band,” Liam said, looking at his friend who just grinned up at him. 

“Like I said, it was his idea,” Louis said, mostly just teeth in the dim lights. “They’re not bad though.” 

“They’re awful,” Liam restated as the music picked up and Harry’s voice filled the speakers. Harry was good, he’d always been good, but he was too clumsy to be on a small stage and he tended to collect musicians for his bands that weren’t exactly good at playing the instruments they had in hand. The last incarnation Liam had sat through ruined at least three of his favorite songs and a song that Liam himself had written with Harry back in Uni when they thought that was what they were going to be, a singer and songwriter duo. Harry sang, Liam gave him the words. Only after Louis left, Liam hadn’t had the heart to write and Harry’s bands just got worse as time passed. 

“They’re not,” Louis said, laughing a little and leaning more into Liam. “They’re good.” 

Liam was sure if Louis kept leaning into him like that he wouldn’t hear a note, but he was wrong when a familiar set of chords filled the room. Then the piano, or a keyboard, but it had been a piano originally. Liam tensed long before Harry started singing, but the moment the words dripped out in his sultry drawl he knew he was in trouble. Why had he ever given Harry any of his songs ever? 

They were all about the same person, the person whose fingers were twisting in the hem of Liam’s shirt with every word. It was so obvious, so completely them, from back when Liam was waiting, hoping that Louis would notice him, see him the same way. There was no way Louis didn’t know. It was too obvious. Liam looked up from his beer enough to catch Zayn watching him, wary look in his eyes when they dropped down to where Louis was huddled in close. It was Niall that broke the tension though, turning away from where his eyes had been locked on Harry. “This is one of yours right?” 

Liam swallowed hard, blinking at Niall. “What?” 

“Harry said he had the band learning it because he knew you’d be here. Do you still write?” Niall asked, innocent look on his face. He knew enough of the history to not ask about certain things, but Liam’s music was something else, something never brought up. 

“Um,” Liam said, eyes ticking to Louis who was watching him expectantly. “No.” He didn’t, not any more. He couldn’t. 

“Shame,” Niall said with a shrug. “Everything Harry showed me is really good.” 

“Since when are you and Haz-” 

“Getting another pint!” Niall said it too loud and took his half full glass with him towards the bar, leaving Liam staring and Zayn chuckling in his wake. 

“I missed something.” Liam said and Louis pressed his fingers against his cheek.

“Of course you did, Love. You always do.” Louis patted Liam’s cheek. “We’ll tell you when you’re older.” 

\--------

“So, what did I miss last night?” Liam asked, watching Louis take a few steps ahead of him on the path in the Kensington Gardens. They’d walked from the tube station, along the water, headed somewhere in particular but Louis hadn’t let Liam in on it. Louis glanced over his shoulder, hair worked up into some fancy quiff, grinning in a way that made Liam’s stomach flip. It had always made his stomach flip. 

“You’ve been missing things for a while. It’s hard to pinpoint just one thing,” Louis said, holding out his hand. Liam had their fingers laced together before he realized he should hesitate over things like that. “But if you mean last night specifically, you mean Harry and Niall.” 

“Yes, that,” Liam said, pulling Louis closer without thinking about it, but smiling when Louis found his place pressed against Liam’s side. It was almost too warm for it in the sunnier patches on the path, but Louis didn’t seem to notice. 

“Which part? Where Niall’s in love with Harry or that they’re friends?” 

Liam slowed his steps. “You think Niall’s in love with Harry?” 

“You don’t?” 

“Well, everyone loves Harry.” 

“Not like that, they don’t.” Louis made a little face then poked Liam’s side. “Your songs sounded good last night. Niall’s right, you should write more.” 

“I’m hardly taking Niall’s advice on my writing.” Liam had stopped not long after Louis left. He’d written every sad song he could, put it all on paper and walked away. Now he had a respectable life and a good job, doing far more than he was doing when he was hoping he’d be a songwriter. 

“Then take mine. I always liked it.” 

“Because it was always about you,” Liam countered, rolling his eyes. 

“That’s not fair,” Louis said, poking Liam again. “I didn’t know most of it was about me!” 

“You hoped it was.” 

“Well, there is that.” Louis looked up and then pulled Liam down another path, away from the water and deeper into the gardens. “Come on, it’s over here.” 

It was shady on one side, the other opening into a field where kids ran while parents chatted on blankets, drinking up the spring sunshine. Louis followed the treeline though, hugging it until they came to another clearing, a statue sitting in the middle of it. He let go of Liam’s hand, moving closer, stepping around it reverently, looking up at the small boy made of bronze, flute in one hand. Animals and children built up the base around his feet, all looking up to him, all happy at whatever song he was playing. 

“I was always jealous,” Louis said when Liam moved to his side, his eyes cast up at the statue. “Then again, who didn’t want to be young forever?” 

“Didn’t seem like it was all it was cracked up to be,” Liam said, finding the plaque that went with the statue. Peter Pan. Of course Louis had brought them here. “And who’s to say he stayed young? His motto was to never grow up. Seems to me like you did a fine job of that.” 

“Maybe,” Louis said, accent thicker than usual, voice holding back something more. Liam went to him, holding on to his shoulders before pulling him back against Liam’s chest. 

“You have,” Liam murmured, mouth close to Louis’ ear, surprised when Louis went pliant against him. How long had it been since he’d felt that? Had he ever? The first time they were together, Louis had been in charge; the one sure of what he was doing but now, Liam had more experience under his belt and Louis seemed to willing to give in to that. 

“You just don’t know,” Louis said but his voice sounded far away. “You don’t know what I’ve been through lately.” He leaned his head back, resting on Liam’s shoulder before turning into his jaw. 

“You could tell me.” That was a difference. They’d never kept secrets before. Never held things over one another and there’d been no distance between them. Liam knew everything that was going on with Louis and vice versa. Only now had that distance become an ocean and a country that neither were willing to cross. Or at least, Liam had thought he hadn’t wanted to. With Louis like this though, pressed against him, breath on warm on his neck, Liam hated the space between them. “Tell me, Lou. Tell me all of it.” 

“Soon, love,” Louis whispered. “Not ready yet.” 

“Ready for what? What’s there to wait for? I’m right here.” 

Louis turned in Liam’s arms, looking up at him with a sad smile. “I know you are. But...I’m not ready yet. I need more time.” He touched Liam’s cheek then pulled away, taking a full step back. “Come on,” he said tugging at Liam’s arm. “I want to see more of the gardens and I promised Zayn we’d be back for dinner.” 

Liam wanted to drag him back, stand there and demand answers, but he knew it wouldn’t work. Pushing Louis like that never worked, not when he’d made up his mind to get to it in his own time. “Is he cooking?” 

“If by cooking you mean reheating the feast his mother made and brought by for me yesterday then yes, he’s cooking.” Louis scoffed. “Like we’d let him really cook. He’d get paint in the food.” 

Liam laughed then nodded, letting Louis lead him onward, feeling more like the children at the base of the statue. Forever following the magical boy who promised more than Liam deserved. 

\-------

Dinner at Zayn’s was an affair. Zayn was there, streak of pink paint in his hair, sleepy smile on his face that was even softer once they were through the second bottle of wine. His girlfriend was out for the night and Liam was surprised that he was sad about that. He’d not gotten to know the woman in Zayn’s life, not like he should have. He was too busy subscribing to the idea that given the rotating doors of girlfriends Zayn had, it must not be that serious, but Zayn seemed happy with her. Liam realized it was something he should have taken notice of if his friend was so happy. 

The food was amazing as Zayn’s mother’s cooking always was and there was almost too much of it. Louis laughed at something Zayn said and curled more into Liam’s side, making Liam feel warm all over; like he belonged right where he was. 

How had he missed nights like this? Shouldn’t there have been more dinners, more nights with too much wine and just enough laughter? This was living and Louis was right. Liam had let it pass him by. He reached up to run his fingers through the hair on the back of Louis’ neck, something loving, meant to get his attention. Louis leaned into the touch, but Zayn cleared his throat and suddenly Louis was out of Liam’s arms and reaching for dishes. “What are you doing?” 

Louis’ eyes darted up, surprised at Liam’s tone. “Cleaning up. Clearly.” 

“But you don’t clean up.” Liam reached for the plates, standing as well. “That’s what I do. Sometimes Harry, but you and him, you don’t clean up.” 

“I can be tidy,” Louis said, holding the plates out of Liam’s reach. 

“You can not.” 

“Can to.” Louis gave Liam a look then turned on his heel and headed for the sink hesitating like he wasn’t sure what to do with the plates now that he’d gotten them there. 

“You’re dodging me,” Liam insisted, enough wine in his system to loosen his tongue. 

“Why would I do that, Payno?” Louis opted for setting the dishes down, and the second his hands were free Liam was holding on to one of them. 

“You are. Why? What’s going on?” 

“Nothing.” Zayn was standing at the door, arms crossed over his chest. The smile was gone, replaced by his normal stoney face that Liam couldn’t read.”Right, Lou?” 

“Obviously. Just seeing Liam out, right? It’s late, we’re all about to pass out into a food coma, might as well get you on your way,” Louis said, already starting to steer Liam towards the door to Zayn’s flat. 

“Wait,” Liam said once they were alone in the cramped foyer. “I don’t want to go.” He hadn’t meant to admit that, but there it was out in the space between them. 

Louis’ shoulders sunk and he nodded, wrapping his hand around Liam’s wrist before leaning up to kiss his cheek. “I don’t want you to either, but you should.” 

“Lou…” 

“Liam. Please. Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Louis,” Liam tried again but Louis squeezed his wrist. 

“Please Liam, for me. Just say goodnight.” 

He wanted to stay, to beg and demand, but there was something on Louis’ face, something that said Liam didn’t have a chance in winning the fight. Sighing, Liam kissed Louis’ cheek. “Good night,” he murmured softly, then opened the door and let himself out not looking back until after he heard it click shut behind him. 

\--------

Louis had his fingers linked with Liam’s, pulling him through the crowd waiting to get into the stadium and Liam knew he should be watching their surroundings but all he could think about was how cold Louis’ fingers were. It wasn’t even that cool out. It was the last months of the season and every other fan was down to short-sleeved kits, scarves left at home, but Louis still had on his coat and a scarf for a club neither of them cheered for draped across his shoulders. 

They found their seats, something comfortably close in a group of home team fans who didn’t look at them twice. Liam would have preferred to see one of their teams, but neither one was playing near London and the arena full of fans was a better atmosphere and Louis had wanted to go to a game he couldn’t go to at home. His insistence had Liam wondering if the idea was to avoid going home all together. 

Despite neither of them caring for the outcome, within fifteen minutes they were both cheering, jumping up and down as the home team got close. Louis threw his hands up in the air with every bad call, curses spewing towards referees and their families. It wasn’t the sort of thing that Liam should have felt such a fondness for, but he’d always loved when Louis was passionate about things. He’d always wanted that passion directed towards himself. 

Louis had always been like that though, pushing Liam past the boundaries of what he thought was right and forcing him to accept something different. Boys didn’t have friends that sat in their laps and kissed their cheeks, but with Louis there wasn’t another option. And when asked, Louis insisted it wasn’t fair to make love not an option based on your gender. When Liam had walked in on Harry with a boy, he’d hyperventilated in the hallway of their dorm, not sure what that meant for Harry or worse for the feelings that Liam struggled with himself. Louis had patted his cheek and shook his head. The world was more than just one way streets, wasn’t it? Louis had always been there, with a perfect explanation for why things were the way they were. Why it was okay to be whoever Liam felt the most comfortable being. 

The home team made a break for it and Liam let Louis drag him to his feet, jumping up and down with the rest of the fans as if that might make a difference to the player with the ball. It didn’t hurt, though, and the sound was insane as the ball hit the back of the net. The team was cheering, the fans were cheering and Louis was shouting, then he was dragging Liam to him, kissing him hard. 

The kiss sucked the air out of Liam’s lungs, making his head spin and his hands scrambled for some sort of purchase on Louis’ jacket, settling for clutching the lapels and dragging Louis in closer. He made a soft noise into it and Louis’ tongue was there, snaking into the space and pressing hard against Liam’s. He kissed exactly the same and it did Liam in completely. 

When they pulled back, Louis’ hand was pressed against the back of Liam’s head, keeping their faces close together. “Take me home, yeah?” Louis breathed, blue eyes looking up to meet Liam’s.

“Yeah,” Liam said, already pulling back, but keeping a firm grasp on Louis’ hand. “To Zee’s?” he asked as he started them into the aisle and away from their seats, looking back to see Louis shake his head. Then cold fingers were pressing against his hip, tucked under the hem of his shirt. 

“ _Take me home_.” The words were stressed differently and his eyes were hooded, hinting at so much more than just the statement. Liam knew what that meant. 

It wasn’t much farther back to his flat and by the time they were in the door Liam remembered why he was struggling with the whole thing. He didn’t know how Louis felt or what was going through Louis’ head, but as he started to worry Louis was sneaking up on him from behind, pressing kisses against the back of his neck and humming against the skin there. “I got you home,” Liam teased, hand running over where Louis’ was pressed flat against his stomach. He distantly wished his stomach was flatter, that his body was in the same shape it had been in five years ago when he spent all his free time at the gym and didn’t sit for eight hours a day. 

“You did,” Louis hummed then ducked under Liam’s arm, tugging at him. “Now take me to bed.” 

They made it a few steps into the loft before Liam turned, pressing Louis back against the wall and cupping his cheeks to kiss him hard. It was answered with an eager press of tongue and teeth, just like everything with Louis was, biting and bordering on painful, but thrilling at the same time. When Louis hooked his leg around Liam’s waist, Liam got his hands under his arse, pulling him up off the floor, pressing his hips into Louis’. It was enough for Louis to break off the kiss, groaning with his head thrown back against the wall. “Bed, Liam. Come on.” 

Liam was pretty sure he could get off like they were, holding Louis up and rutting against him, but he got it. Louis wanted more and really, Liam was pretty sure that after five years, they deserved more. They were adults now; they could do more than getting off in their jeans. He leaned back from the wall, testing Louis’ weight then decided he could handle it since Louis was lighter than he expected, and carried him towards the bedroom. 

Louis laughed, really laughed, and buried his face in Liam’s shoulder, which made the whole action feel even better. “I could have walked you doughnut,” he mumbled between giggles, but Liam shook his head. 

“Not when I can impress you by my brute strength,” Liam countered. 

Louis made a disgusted noise but still kissed Liam hard, cold fingers pressed to his cheeks and Liam took it as a win, holding him tight as they stumbled down the hall to more. 

\-----

Liam felt both light and heavy, sated and warm all over, smiling at Louis face down in the middle of his bed when he got back from a quick clean up run to the bathroom. He ducked his head to press a line of kisses along Louis’ spine as he crawled back into bed with him, pleased with the happy sleepy murmur he got in return. Louis had already mostly crashed out, breath shallow and wheezy like he had a cold, but Liam wouldn’t put it past him to have come down with something in all the running around they’d done. He laid on his side and watched Louis sleep, running his fingers over his jutted hips then where his shoulder blades curved away from his body. He fought the mothering urge to wonder if Louis was too thin. It wasn’t something he’d bring up, too familiar with Louis’ body image issues, but it was still disconcerting. He’d have to ask Zayn about making sure Louis ate. 

He’d tried so hard not to get pulled back into Louis, to wind up right where he was and now that he was here, he wondered why he fought it so much. He couldn’t help doing what he’d done, letting Louis pull him right back in, letting him drag him down. As painful as it was to think that he’d signed himself up for a world of hurt, for Louis to leave him behind again, Liam couldn’t imagine another way. There hadn’t been another person he’d had in his bed since that he felt as comfortable with, that he felt as satisfied with than he did with Louis. 

And it wasn’t as if he could fall any farther in love with Louis than he already was. That realization hit him like a bolt, making him roll over on his back, disturbing Louis enough that he wrapped himself around Liam’s arm but didn’t wake fully. He’d loved Louis from the start and while he’d tried to convince his broken heart that he didn’t anymore, there was no denying it. He still loved him. 

Liam drew in a heavy breath, letting it out with a sigh towards the ceiling, feeling his own doom crowd around him. What if Louis didn’t feel the same? Sure, he was back, but that wasn’t a promise that feeling were returned. Even the sex, as wonderful as it was, wasn’t a promise. Liam was high off the ground without a safety net, not sure what to do if he was wrong.

\-------

They’d been lazy in the morning. Louis, not one to get out of bed without motivation ever, was lazier than usual, more interested in sweet kisses between drifting in and out of sleep and Liam let himself indulge in it. When he did get up to shower he was surprised to feel Louis slip in behind him, but it was Liam that had sunk to his knees and seen to it they’d only wound up washing after the water had run cold. 

Liam seen a sleepy, soft haired Louis off after, kissing him at the doorway before heading down the hall to the lift. Liam knew he was doomed, grinning like an idiot, watching Louis walk away from him and secretly hoping it wasn’t the last time he saw him. It couldn’t be. Things had changed. Liam was a grown up and he could deal with this. He and Louis were getting their second chance. Liam had learned from the past and knew better now than to let Louis go again.

Too full of extra energy, Liam tidied up his already neat flat then went for a run, taking the longer route and sweating out as much of his worry as he could. By the time he’d showered again he had a text from Harry, asking if he was free for lunch. Only Harry would consider a meal at half past three lunch, but Liam agreed anyway and hurried off to the restaurant after Harry sent him the address.

When he found Harry in the back corner, his friend actually sat up straighter, smiling a little brighter. “You came.” 

“I said I would, Haz,” Liam said, giving him a funny look before taking the offered menu from the waitress. “What’s good here?” When Harry didn’t answer, Liam looked up, surprised to see him there, watching Liam. “What’s up?” 

“You. You’re different.” 

Liam frowned. “Pretty sure I’m the same as I was.” 

Harry shook his head. “You’re not. You’re… You’re like the old you. Like when we were in Uni.” 

Liam shut his menu, resting his hands on it and looking at them instead. “Before he left, you mean.”

Harry hummed, thinking about it, fingers twirling around a curl before he nodded. “Yes. Like that, but...more.” Harry leaned forward, peering at Liam closer before letting out a tiny gasp. “Liam Payne!” 

“What?!” Was there something on his face? Liam scrubbed at it, just to see Harry smirking behind his hand. “ _What_?” he pleaded. 

“You got laid.” Harry looked smug, chin resting in his hand. “You...you’re in love.” 

“I am in no such thing.” Liam couldn’t deny the first. Harry had a sick sense for that sort of thing.

“You always were,” Harry added before going back to his menu. 

Liam didn’t think that was fair. And he was equally worried it was obvious. Did Louis know? Why hadn’t Louis said anything? It wasn’t like Liam had said something himself, but it wasn’t fair that Louis might know and Liam still wasn’t sure. 

“Niall says the club sandwich here is excellent, but he eats more than most horses,” Harry said and it yanked Liam out of his own personal spiral. 

“Niall?” 

Was that a blush? Did Harry Styles just flush a little pink and duck more behind his hair? “He suggested it.” 

“When?” 

“Last night. When I said I wanted to invite you to lunch,” Harry said, waving a hand at Liam like it wasn’t important. 

“When did you see him last night?” Liam was missing something, he knew it, especially when Harry waved that hand at him again, like it might make him go away. “Harry. Are you sleeping with my IT guy?” 

“He’s hardly _your_ IT guy. He just happens to work for your company.” 

“Harry!” 

“What? Really Liam. It’s not a thing.” Harry paused and a rare mischievous grin spread across his features. “Not like you and Louis.” 

Liam choked on air and shook his head. “We are not a thing.” 

“No?”

“Just had incredible sex last night.” Liam felt his cheeks go warm and watched in horror as Harry’s smile got bigger.

“And this morning?” 

“I’m not talking about this.” 

“Prude.” Harry shook his head, curls going everywhere and Liam wondered how he could stand it. Liam had worn his hair long and curly for all of six months before he had to cut it all off. “Then I’m not talking about Niall.” 

Liam made a face tapping his fingers on his menu before groaning. “What am I even doing?” He couldn’t keep it in, not when it was eating him up inside. “I’m going to get hurt again.” 

Harry looked over at that, something sadder in his eyes than normal, making the green look closer to brown before he shook his head, reaching out to pat Liam’s arm. “Not like that. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” 

“Which hardly matters if he leaves for America again.” 

Harry was slow in his answer. It had always made people think his mind just moved slowly, but Liam had learned a long time ago that Harry was more than able to keep up, though often he took his his time with what he wanted to say. “I don’t think he’s leaving this time.” 

“I don’t want to hope for it. It feels like wishing on stars.” 

“That turn out to be satellites?” Harry smiled and Liam made a face. “You wrote it in a song once,” he explained with a shrug. “You’re rather predictable.” 

“Thanks,” Liam huffed, but Harry patted his arm again. 

“Trust me, it’s not a bad thing. Times like these, it’s something we all need.” 

“Times like what?” Liam didn’t know what that meant, but despite being Harry’s oldest friend, there were lots of things he didn’t understand. Harry hummed again, still patting Liam’s arm when he waved the waitress over to order and didn’t say more. Liam wasn’t sure if he should be worried or not. Though once his food had arrived, he’d forgotten it, too focused on laughing as he watched watching Harry try not to eat his hair. 

\-------

Harry might have thought there was nothing to worry about, but Liam didn’t hear from Louis that day. Or the next. It was like radio silence. He’d texted him, called enough times to be a needy boyfriend, but still nothing. He’d texted Zayn as well, but hadn’t gotten much on that end either. Just an off- hand mention that Louis was fine, just busy with some things, and he’d get back to Liam eventually. 

After two days of waiting, Liam had had enough. He’d bought two tickets, two good tickets, for a show at O2, some big deal boy band with catchy hits that got stuck in your head, and he was going to take Louis. He headed for Zayn’s, knocking, but no one answered. He checked his watch before letting himself in with his own emergency key. If they weren’t home, he’d just leave the tickets on the fridge for Louis, let him know that Liam wanted to be there, wanted to see him again. Needed to see him again. What had happened between them was too important to ignore or walk away from. 

Once inside he heard voices, which was odd considering no one answered the door but with how loud they were, maybe they hadn’t heard him knock. Liam headed that way, frowning as he got close enough to make out words. 

“You can’t do that to him!” 

‘I’m not doing anything!” 

“It’s written right here, Louis. Make him fall in love with me. What are you doing? I know this is hard, but you’re being a selfish brat again!” 

Zayn rarely yelled. Actually, Liam couldn’t pinpoint a moment where Zayn had ever yelled. He’d heard seething remarks or looks of utter disappointment, but not yelling. Yet here he was, shouting at Louis. 

“I’m being selfish?” Louis demanded, voice cracking slightly. “You wouldn’t let him come to L.A.! You told him not to! Why? You knew I loved him! Why did you think I didn’t want him to come?” 

Liam’s knees buckled at Louis’ remark and he quickly put out a hand to catch himself on the wall.   
Louis would have wanted him there. Louis would have wanted them to be together. Louis had loved him just as much as Liam had loved him and Zayn had told Liam it was all in his head. That there was nothing in California waiting for him when Louis had been there. 

“I was trying to protect him.” Zayn’s voice was lower, dripping with anger.

Liam leaned more against the wall. 

“You were trying to keep him for yourself,” Louis shot back. “You always wanted him for yourself.”

“I didn’t want to see him get hurt! You couldn’t be trusted with his feelings.” Zayn’s voice had a growl to it, an edge that was scarier than when he’d been shouting. 

“You’re wrong,” Louis spat the words out at Zayn. “You were jealous. You still are. You can’t have him! You have a perfect life with a perfect girl and you’ve left him to be sad and lonely and-” Louis cut himself off with a cough, then a harder cough, and finally Liam couldn’t stand in the hall anymore.

When he pushed the door into Louis’ room, Zayn was at Louis’ side, rubbing his back as he coughed into his hand. Zayn looked up with wide eyes, like Liam had appeared out of nowhere, though Liam supposed he effectively had. “Li…” He started it but Liam pushed it and him aside, taking over the place next to Louis, trying to get him to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“Louis, love, just breathe,” he coaxed gently, brushing sweaty fringe out of Louis’ eyes as the coughing slowly stopped. Louis slumped into him, skin clammy but body shivering like he was cold. 

“You should go,” Zayn said, reaching for Liam’s arm, but Liam held his ground. He wasn’t moving away from Louis. Louis who was looking at the flecks of blood on his hand. 

“Lou…” Liam started, falling to his knees in front of Louis and pressing his hand against Louis’ forehead then drawing his face up so Liam could see his eyes. They were bloodshot and his skin, normally a perfect tan, was more of a pale gray. His cheeks were sunken in and his arms looked small in the oversize shirt that should have fit him. “Louis. What’s going on?” 

“You need to leave,” Zayn demanded from behind him, sounding stern, but Liam ignored him and instead searched Louis’ blue eyes. 

“Surprise,” Louis croaked out, before sighing and leaning down to press his forehead against Liam’s. “You should go.” 

“I’m not leaving you,” Liam insisted, carding his fingers through Louis’ hair. “Tell me what’s going on.” 

“Isn’t it obvious!” Zayn’s voice broke then and Liam looked back to see tears in his eyes. “Look at what you’re doing, Louis. I told you to tell him.” He shook his head and curled his hands into fists for a moment before he moved, leaving the room altogether. 

When Liam looked back at Louis, there were tears in his eyes as well, but he looked down at Liam with a shaky breath, pressing his cold fingers to Liam’s cheek. “Why are you here? Am I dreaming you?” 

Liam shook his head, pulling Louis fingers to his mouth to kiss them. “Of course you’re not dreaming. I got you tickets to a show at O2 like you wanted. Next month. And I wanted to see you.” He kiss Louis’ palm before looking back up at him. “What’s going on?” 

Louis swallowed hard then curled his fingers around Liam’s. “I probably won’t make the show. Or much else. I thought I’d have more time.” 

“More time for what, Louis? Do you have to go back?” Maybe his work had called and they needed him again. Liam was already doing the math in his head. Could he quit his job and go with him, back to the states, and never let Louis leave his side? 

Louis laughed then coughed again and shook his head. “No, love. I’m not going anywhere. Well, not physically.” 

Liam frowned for a moment before it hit him. Constantly cold, the cough, the blood, the way he looked. “Louis...no,” he said getting up to sit next to Louis. “No.” 

“It’s fine,” Louis said, pressing his fingers against Liam’s cheek again. “It’s fine.” 

“It’s not fine! We need to take you somewhere. A doctor, something. There has to be medicine, or anything-” Louis cut him off with a hand against his mouth. 

“There’s not. They said it was too late to even try. I’d get a few more weeks, maybe a month, but I’d be just as miserable. It’s not worth it. I’d rather come home and take care of the important things than live attached to tubes.” 

“Louis, that’s not right. We can do something. Anything,” Liam insisted, pulling Louis’ hand out of the way so he could speak. 

“He won’t listen to you.” Liam jerked his head up at Zayn’s voice, surprised to see him leaning in the doorway. “I’ve tried everything, Harry has, even Niall, but he’s very adamant about what he wants.” Zayn’s eyes were red around the edges, but he seemed to have his composure back. 

“They knew? Why did no one tell me!” Liam demanded, half getting up before Louis had his fingers in his shirt, pulling him back down again. 

“I asked them not to. I was going to tell you on my own but…” Liam looked back a Louis, frowning at the way his lips turned down and his eyes looked at his hands instead of Liam. “I saw you needed more than just bad news and I wanted us back before...I told them I’d tell you on my own time, but-” 

“But you let it go too far.” Zayn’s words were clipped, but Liam didn’t look his way again. 

“What am I supposed to do now?” Liam asked Louis, hearing his own voice come out a wavering whisper. He was going to lose Louis again, just when he’d fallen for him again. He’d finally gotten him back and he was going to lose him again. 

“Whatever you want,” Louis said softly. “But be this person. He’s the best version of you.” Louis leaned up to kiss Liam, something light and barely there until he slumped against Liam’s side. 

“You should rest Lou,” Zayn said softly, and Louis nodded. 

“Just a little nap,” Louis agreed as he looked up at Liam, a question he wasn’t asking in his eyes. 

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” Liam promised, which was enough to get Louis to shift back on the bed and lay down. Liam had assumed it would take a bit for Louis to fall asleep, but he drifted off to sleep quickly. Liam brushed the fringe out of his eyes again then headed into the kitchen to find Zayn with a kettle already on, mugs on the counter waiting. 

“We need to talk about this,” Liam insisted, needing answers. He needed to know what was going on, why he wasn’t told and just what lay ahead of them. 

Zayn held up a hand and shook his head. “I already called Haz. Niall was with him and they’re on their way. Then we’ll tell you everything.” 

By the time Liam had a cuppa ready, Harry and Niall were there and were handed their own mugs before they all sat around the little table in Zayn’s kitchen. “You all knew.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement, because they did. And no one had told him. 

Zayn looked away, Harry hung his head, and Niall reached for Harry’s hand. While he was the newest to the group, Niall was also the first to speak. “We did. Louis told Zayn, then Harry. I only knew because Harry blurted it to me one night when he was too sad to keep it in.” 

“Why didn’t you blurt it at me?” Liam demanded, and it was enough for Harry to look up at him.

“You’re not really around anymore Liam. You haven’t been since he left. You’re still _there_ , but you’re not. We’ve been trying, but you’ve been so busy… and it wasn’t our place. It was Louis’. He wanted to tell you but he wanted to do it his way.” 

“He was going to the first day, but he had to make an appointment at your work to see you and then when he saw you…” Zayn trailed off but Liam waited for him to continue. “He came home and wanted more. He knew you still hated him and knew he couldn’t just drop that one you without reminding you why you were so important to him, right now more than ever.” 

“That’s why you made me do it. You knew I’d regret it if I didn’t.” Liam hated that he’d been tricked, but he saw that it wasn’t just Louis now. It was all of them. 

“You wouldn’t have felt the same way if you’d known. You would have treated him differently. And I thought he needed to earn you back. You deserved that much. I didn’t see the list until today. I didn’t mean for him to make you…” 

Liam let Zayn trail off again, hands gripping his mug. “Fall for him.” He sighed and ran his hand over his face with a defeated shrug. “Did I ever fall out of it?” 

Harry had tears falling down his cheeks when he shook his head. “No. You never did.” 

“You are again?” Niall asked and Liam couldn’t do anything but nod. 

“I tried, Li,” Zayn said. “I wouldn’t let him stay with you. I thought if I could keep that distance there you could be friends again, but Louis, god... fucking Louis.” 

Zayn was the stoic one, the one that hid his feelings, but he broke then, tears spilling and his breath coming out in a choked sob. Liam could only imagine. Louis was the love of his life but Louis was Zayn’s oldest friend, the one that stood by him when no one else would. Harry wrapped Zayn up in a hug while he sobbed, rubbing his back and breathing soft things into his ear to calm him down. 

“Now what?” Harry asked when Zayn quieted, not letting go of him, but resting his cheek on Zayn’s head so he could see Liam. 

Liam took a deep breath, looking over his shoulder towards the bedroom where Louis was sleeping. “Now we make the most of what we have,” he said softly, voice thick with tears he was holding back. “I’ll need your help,” he added, looking back at his friends who all nodded. “And I need the list.” 

\---------

The piece of paper was tattered, folded and unfolded too many times and with Louis’ extra doodles added in the margins. Hearts, stars, and the occasional dick, just like his notes in Uni . Liam had found the few things that weren’t scratched off and converted the list into his phone. Before he gave it back to Zayn, he marked through the line about making Liam fall in love with Louis. He’d already accomplished that. 

He stayed at Zayn’s while he planned out the last few things, wanting to be there when Louis woke up because he promised to. He’d expected to do it on his own, but Zayn, Harry, and Niall all took an item and booked it. Harry knew just who call to get them reservations at some new posh place in town to check off candlelit dinner on a patio. Niall had already done every pub crawl in London and booked the five of them spaces on the best one. Zayn took ‘spend a night in a cottage by the water’, but he left the room to make his plans and Liam wasn’t sure what he had in mind. 

It left Liam with googling local festivals, trying to find one that would appeal to them and wouldn’t take too much out of Louis but he kept getting distracted, looking towards the room where Louis was resting. Finishing the list didn’t seem like enough. Liam felt like he needed to do more, to show Louis, really show Louis, how he felt. That he was going to be missed. 

The thought of losing Louis again felt like a gaping wound in Liam’s chest. Like his insides had been ripped out and he was hollow; not sure how to breathe or if he had lungs to do it with. How had he gotten Louis back just to have him taken away? It wasn’t fair for them to miss out on their lives together, was it? 

Liam typed love into his search bar for no real reason other than it was on his mind. He stared at picture of a couple that came up, words added over it. _I love you more today than I did yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow._ He shut the laptop and abandoned it on the kitchen table before quietly opening the door to where Louis slept. He was curled on his side, eyes closed tight, breath wheezy like he was struggling. They didn’t have much time left, but Liam knew full well those words were true. He wouldn’t love anyone like he loved Louis and he’d never stop loving him. 

Liam brushed the hair off Louis’ face, watching his features smooth out in his sleep to something more relaxed, like he’d been waiting for the reassurance that Liam was still there. Maybe that was what he needed, the promise that Liam wouldn’t leave. Liam knew how to give it to him.   
\---------

He’d thought about asking properly, at the posh dinner Harry had gotten them into but it didn’t seem right. Not with Louis half picking at his food, more distracted by the lights of the city around them and the music playing. And there was the fear that Louis might say no. Liam didn’t think he would. He thought he would love the idea, but they didn’t have much time left. There wasn’t a point in arguing over it, not when it was what Liam wanted and what he thought Louis needed. 

So he waited, watched as his family and Louis’ came down for the affair, all taking up residence in his flat. It was a bustling mess, flowers, lights, paper lanterns, but Harry was leading the whole thing with Niall picking up the slack and Liam was sure at one point he’d even seen his admin, Carolyn, but he hadn’t caught her to talk to her. 

On the night Liam planned it for, he took Louis on a slow walk through one of the historical districts. Liam guided them until they found the private garden that Harry had sweet-talked someone into letting them use and pushed open the gate to reveal his plans come to life. They’d strung fairy lights in the trees and across the garden, hung candles on low branches and pulled in flowers and chairs, all lined up in a proper sort of aisle and filled with family and friends. 

“Liam,” Louis whispered, leaning in closer, pulling Liam’s hand between both of his. “This is a wedding.” He sounded scandalized, but looked up at Liam. “Are we crashing someone’s wedding?” His eyes glinted in that bit of mischief, a spark of his old self despite the way his cheeks were sunken in as the disease took hold. 

“No, Silly.” Liam shifted then got down on one knee, still holding Louis’ hand. “It’s ours. If you’ll have me.” 

Louis’ eyes glassed over with tears, and Liam watched as he finally realized just who was sitting in the seats watching them. He watched Louis spot his sisters, his mother and stepfather, Liam’s family, their friends and then he was looking back at Liam. “You’re sure?” 

“I’m more sure of this than anything else,” Liam said. “I love you, Louis. Please?” He could tell Louis was trying to find words, but the nod was enough, his hands shaking when Liam took them, kissing him before starting down the aisle. Louis stopped them though, shaking his head and tugging Liam back. 

“What?” Louis had just said yes, hadn’t he? He couldn’t have cold feet now.

“I can’t get married dressed like this. You look so sharp in your suit and tie and I...I need a tie.” 

“Here,” Niall said from behind them, already undoing his enough to get it off and hand it to Louis. He helped Louis get it on then hugged him tightly before steering him back to Liam. 

“Ready?” Liam asked and Louis nodded, slipping his fingers in Liam’s and leaning into him as they made their way down the little aisle. 

Harry was waiting at the end of it, standing under an arch that Liam didn’t remember requesting, grinning with a stupid hat on his head and some garish shirt half unbuttoned. Liam had hoped his best friend would have a little more decorum for his wedding, but he also knew better than to ask Harry not to wear something. Plus, it was Harry. He looked oddly at place, while still looking like a bit of an idiot. 

“There’s no way he can legally do this,” Louis said, leaning into Liam with a loud stage whisper, giving Harry a playful side eye. 

“I’ll have you know, I’ve been ordained online by the Order of the Sun,” Harry said, a little too loudly. 

“There’s no way that’s legit. It doesn’t even sound legit.” 

“It is,” Liam said. “I checked. And Zayn’s got the rest of the paperwork to back it up.” 

Louis looked over at Zayn who smirked and patted his suit jacket, where Liam guessed he was keeping the license they’d have to sign later. “Well alright then, Harold, let’s get a move on.” 

“That’s not my name,” Harry grumbled, but cleared his throat and started. “We’re gathered here today to bring two lives together. Two that should never have been apart in the first place, if you ask me.” 

“Harry,” Liam mumbled, pulling his friend back on track before he even started down that tangent.

“I got this, Liam,” Harry said, holding up his hand before setting it on Liam’s shoulder. “We’re here to unite Liam and Louis in marriage. Liam, you wrote your own vows, yes?” 

“You wrote something?” Louis asked, aghast, but Liam just took his hands. 

“Of course I did,” he said with a smile. “Louis, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. Since the moment I met you, I knew it. I never stopped loving you and I promise I never will stop loving you. You’re my everything; my beginning and my end.” 

Louis wiped at his eyes and shook his head when Harry looked at him, giving them bother a withering look. “Put a guy on the spot huh?” he asked, but managed to swallow back tears long enough to speak. “Liam, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He paused, like he was catching his breath before starting again. “I’ve loved you for a long time. I spent days and nights trying to get us back to here, and I’ve never been this happy. I promise to not let you go, never again.” 

It was Liam’s turn to try and wipe away tears, but Louis was already smacking Harry. “Hurry up and say the thing so I can kiss him, Haz,” Louis insisted, which made everyone laugh. 

“I now pronounce you married. Kiss your damn husband,” Harry said, which was all the warning Liam got before Louis drug him down to kiss him hard, grinning into it when everyone started to clap. 

“You idiots forgot the rings,” Niall said from behind Liam which just made Liam laugh more. He held his hand out, then slipped Louis’ on his finger, fumbling with his own until Louis was there, helping him and kissing him again. 

“I love you,” Louis whispered, just for Liam. “This was stupid, but I love it.” 

\-------

It rained the day they buried him. Louis would have laughed at how ridiculously English it was.Cold and wet, even in the summer. 

Liam had forgotten his umbrella. He was responsible in every situation, except the one that involved putting the love of his life in the ground. He was drenched by the time the ceremony ended, but he couldn’t bring himself to walk away from the mound of dirt. That was it. That was all that was left. 

“Mr. Payne?” 

Liam looked up at the voice, wiping the water away from his face and frowning. A man was standing there. Suit, proper umbrella, and holding something under his arm.

“Payne-Tomlinson.” He wasn’t sure how legitimate that was, but he was sure the paperwork had been filed, even if they’d only had a week as a proper married couple. 

“Of course,” the man said with a curt nod. “I’m Mr. Tom- Mr. Payne-Tomlinson’s lawyer. We’ve not yet been introduced.” 

Liam scrubbed a hand across his face again, shaking his head. “He didn’t…” When he looked up again the lawyer was smiling, that soft pitying smile that Liam had seen all day. “What can I do for you?”

“This is yours. The instructions are inside. He asked me to make sure it got to you and just you, right away. Be sure to look at it tonight. He asked for that much.” 

Liam took the folio that the man handed him, heavy and zippered shut. “What’s all this?” 

“His will. Normally we’d do a formal reading, but he didn’t want that. He left everything to you, with instructions.” 

“What?”

“Well, he married you, didn’t he? I don’t know who else he’d leave his things to. It was a pleasure meeting you. Do get out the rain soon, will you?” The lawyer smiled, then headed back down towards the road, presumably to the car parked behind the one waiting for Liam. His friends were still waiting, Zayn with a cigarette huddled under an umbrella, Harry sitting in the back seat of the car with the open door, Niall holding the umbrella over both of them. 

Liam sighed and looked down at the mound of dirt again, then the folio in his hand. It wasn’t enough. 

\--------

“You turned it on Zayn. I can handle this,” Louis insisted, pushing Zayn out of his room with a hand on his chest and closing the door. He rolled his eyes then went back to the bed, sitting on it, tucking his feet under him before looking at the camera set up in front of him. 

“Hey Liam,” he said to the camera, biting back a laugh. It was weird to talk to him without really talking to him. “If you’re watching this...well I’m dead, I guess.” Louis frowned at his hands then cleared his throat and pushed on. He had to finish this. His last chec- up had gone terribly. The doctor had said months originally, but with the way he was hacking up his lungs every other day, the way he couldn’t get warm, had shortened it down to weeks. It had to be done. 

“Zayn says this is weird, making a video, but when am I not weird? Always had a flair for the dramatics right? You said that. A lot. Before.” Louis sighed and blew a bit of his hair out of his eyes. Before he’d run off and left Liam behind. It had hurt too much to call and after a while, Louis had stopped wanting to. He knew better than to. Whenever he was in town Liam didn’t want to see him, not until Louis had _made_ him. And even then, he was still fighting it. It really was a shame. Every time Louis felt like he took a step forward, he took two back. He wasn’t getting anywhere. And Zayn was getting angrier. 

“So I’ve left you everything. Well, all of you, but you’re the only person I trust. Turns out, I’m good at what I do and when you’re mostly living off expense reports, you don’t really spend the money you make. So there’s enough. Give some t’me mum, but she was pretty strict that she didn’t want it. I know you’ll sort out how to convince her to take it. She always liked you best.”

It was a shame that Jay was always right. She’d told Louis that Liam was the greatest thing to ever happen to him and he knew she was right, so very right. 

“The rest is yours. Get out of here. Quit that job, go somewhere and just live. I hope you get that... before I go, I hope I can make you see how important that is. Invest the money in a job you really want to do, go somewhere where the sun always shines, take Harry and Zayn and Niall with you.” Louis felt tears prick at his eyes and reached up to rub them away. “Do what I can’t, okay?” 

The tears started to fall as he swallowed hard, fighting back another cough. “And Liam,” he started, looking towards the door then back at the camera. “I love you. I know...I know it’s too late and I hope I figure out how to tell you before I go, but you should know. I’ve always loved you. Zayn was wrong, you should have followed me back then. I should have asked you to go with me. We could have had one hell of an adventure.” He was crying now, wiping at his cheeks, but not able to wipe away the tears. 

“So do like that Up movie okay? Go have an adventure now, though. Don’t wait until you’re too old and alone. Our friends love you. Let them.” He paused, sure he’d said everything he wanted to, but not sure how to end the video. “And maybe, don’t forget about me okay?”


End file.
